5 Types Of Married Men

Married men. Some are happy (at least so they say) and others are visibly miserable. There are different types of married men and I will give you 5 of them.

You might encounter these married men in your life, among friends, coworkers, family or just passing by on the streets or in the supermarket. Want to know who they are? Well, let´s dive in.

(1) The Business Partner

   For some couples, marriage is nothing more than a business contract. Sex has been completely banned. Also, I bet that even sherlock holmes cannot detect a trace of love in a mile radius around this couple. Even binge listening to James Brown by candlelight on Valentine’s Day after watching the sunset on the beach doesn’t evoke the slightest spark of romance.

Why is he still married to her? Well, probably because of the tax benefits and maybe there are children at play. The last one is quite a good reason. Or because it is simply much more convenient because of mutual friends, a business that is run together and because they are both stakeholders in that business.

Tom Buchanan (Joel Edgerton)
Tom Buchanan (Joel Edgerton)

But convenience is not always the most exciting situation to be in. Often, the guy who treats his marriage as a business is also a cheater and has an affair with a woman who happens to be a prostitute. And so what? She cheats as well. Especially with Tyrone the gym instructor who is about 20 years younger. The business partner keeps business and private separate.

An example in popular culture: Tom Buchanan from the famous book and movie The Great Gatsby.

(2) The Simp

The family simp
The family simp

On the outside the simp looks happily married the way you see it in movies. His wife clearly wears the pants, makes all the decisions and resembles that strong woman with four kids: two girls, a boy… and a husband. At home this guy plays to role of complacent clown, and he works his ass off on the plantation to maintain such a lifestyle.

Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)
Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)

He takes pride in the fact that he is in a female led relationship and refers to his wife as the boss. As a couple they have a common group of friends – basically other couples – who they spend their time with. Together they engage in such fantastic activities, like cooking, eating, wine tasting, high teas. All activities should be women friendly of course. And his wife often spends time with other women at Tupperware parties, cooking clinics and ladies nights. But when the simp want to have a men only time (which he hardly wants anyway) he must ask permission first.

An example in popular culture. I think there are so many. I would say Ted Mosby from the series How I Met Your Mother pretty much represents the modern, overly romantic simp.

(3) The Pater Familias

Father and son
Father and son

This guy is old school. He is a man who works hard to earn a living. And if he doesn´t work hard he is probably pretty much financially set. He has the patriarchy tattooed on his fist that he slams down on the table to maintain order in the household. He is a masculine man, and has the respect of his wife and children who recognize him as the head of the family. Without a doubt has got what it takes to provide for and protect his loved ones.

If the mythical NAWALT does exist, then the pater familias has courted her. She is feminine, supportive and abides to the classical role of housewife. And no: she did not ride the carousel in her twenties because she fell in love with him during her teens and married him at twenty-one.

Charles Ingalls (Michael Landon)
Charles Ingalls (Michael Landon)

Yes, these women are very hard to find. Sadly, this is why the pater familias is hard to find these days as well. It takes two to tango, you know. But when you meet such a woman you know it is worth going for, as opposed to the modern Tinder-thot whose amount of hookups equals the number of times that I have pulled the trigger of that red plastic gun from Duck Hunt on the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System).

An example in popular culture: Charles Ingalls from the series Little House On The Prairie.

(4) The Sugar Daddy

Gold diggers for Broadway
Gold diggers for Broadway

This man is wealthy. He is capable to pay for one or multiple women. He is the ultimate target for a gold digger. And you know what? He doesn’t give a damn. The good old sugar daddy in his fifties loves to trade a bit money – he has enough anyway – to some good, fresh, young specimen.

It keeps him active between the sheets and hey: who wants a fifty year old, wrinkled hag that has hit the wall twenty years ago ? Yuck! You know what they say: men age like a good bottle of whisky and women age like cottage cheese. Therefore, the sugar daddy chooses to marry down – in age, that is.

Hugh Hefner
Hugh Hefner

But there is a catch. From the moment that he ties the knot, he will lose half of his property when the wife divorces him. Well, that is a very easy way to get rich! A smart gold digger marries an old sugar daddy who is about to die, so she won´t have to put up with him that long, before she cashes in.

A real life example: Hugh Hefner from Playboy (R.I.P.)

(5) The Destroyed Man

This man has already passed the Stockholm syndrome phase. This means that he was in love with his abuser and now just accepts his defeat and is waiting to die. This man is so psychologically beaten up during his marriage that he has become apathetic. He has become a shell of his former self.

When he was young he used to have so many dreams. His ambitions lasted the first years of his marriage, but by structural manipulation, nagging and emotional blackmail they slowly moved into obscurity left to die. It is very likely that his wife has a personality disorder. She may be narcissistic or she has BPD. And because he loves her so much (despite the abuse) he puts up with her behavior.

Over the years he loses his friends, his dreams, his hobbies, his passions and even his family. His kids hate him. And when he is completely at the mercy of his wife, she cheats on him with Chad from work and he forgives her. He has nowhere to go anyway: she is his whole world.

Sometimes he asks himself ´what the hell happened?´ But quickly he suppresses those forbidden thoughts by watching meaningless TV shows and drinking his daily allowed can of beer.

An example in popular culture: Al Bundy, although he is a very mild case. Actually he is quite a boss.

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2 thoughts on “5 Types Of Married Men”

  1. The one I just can’t understand becoming is the simp one. I’m sure something had to happen for a man to get in that position but I guess I didn’t grow up in a family like that.

    1. I think this can overcome the best of us. These guys aren’t prepared for and aware of the covert narcissistic abuse that is ahead of them. Slowly it transforms them into that complacent servant without even being aware of it. I have seen this happen.

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