I had decided to stay home during NYE for several reasons. First of all, I did not feel like joining all the drunk insanity that´s going on every year in the city center.
I was invited by some friends, but that I did not want that either. Most of the people I know get completely shit-faced in order to start the new year with a massive hangover. I just was not looking for that.
Somehow I longed for a moment of reflection. It had been a strange year. I lost contact with my dad and youngest sister, I hardly see my brothers, I started this MGTOW channel, I ran and finished the 10 miles race, I lost my dayjob. It is not that I have nothing to celebrate: my YouTube channel is growing, I had some fantastic experiences, met new people online and, to be honest, since I stopped working for that bank I feel much happier. Also, creating content gives my life meaning which feels great.
But still… I just wanted to be alone. So I did. Perhaps out of curiosity as well, because, I have never been completely alone, at home, during New Years Eve. And wondered what it would be like? Would it be a spiritual moment? How would it be to reflect on life when everyone else is partying together? Well not everyone, but many people do.
That night I turned off my smartphone, I sat in a chair and watched the sky through the kitchen window. Only a few seconds and then millions of euros worth of fireworks would be shot into the sky. At 12 o’clock, it started. And you know what? It was a miserable experience.
My thoughts suddenly became very dark. I remember that I was thinking: what´s to celebrate anyway? The world is going to shit! Why should one celebrate? I thought about all the stuff I had exposed myself to last year. You know, radical feminism, ongoing wars, immigration problems, stuff like that.
When I look outside I see a family celebrating and lighting some fireworks, and I think about my friends celebrating with their loved ones. Watching people come outside of their houses celebrating on the streets while sitting behind glass was absolutely depressing. Although I am quite a lone wolf and spend a lot of time alone, that night I was struggling.
I went to bed shortly after, and my thoughts became even darker. Especially after I turned on my smartphone again and saw pictures of happy people in Whatsapp groups I am part of. I quickly turned it off again. What a life I have. Single, no job, a shitty family situation and alone on New Years Eve. Yeah, I was wallowing in self-pity and, since a long time, I felt lonely. At least I didn’t cry myself asleep.
When I opened my eyes the next morning I felt as shitty as when I went to sleep the night before. I grabbed my smartphone to see if I had any new messages. Two former co-workers texted me. Women, for your information. My sister who is working in Austria right now sent a message. My mother and stepfather as well. And two friends Whatsapp groups were full of new year´s wishes.
Through text, not Whatsapp, but oldschool text, I got a short message:
Happy 2019. I´m thinking about you.
It was from a number that was not saved in my phone. I recently bought a new one, so it happens on a regular basis that I get messages from acquaintances that I did not bother saving, so I save them when they contact me.
But this number… it looked familiar. Very, very familiar. Could it be..? Nah. My heart began beating faster. My mind was suddenly filled with flashes of memories of a 2 year period that ended after the summer of 2016. When we met at that festival, the one night stand, how I fell in love months later, how we got official the day after Christmas. I think about her body, her skin, her hair, that day I took her spontaneously to Antwerp, drank Belgian beer at that cozy cafe at the town´s square, and, while both drunk, we made ourselves Facebook official. Or our vacation in Indonesia, where we visited four islands in three weeks. I remember that NYE party were we left together, completely drunk, and kissed and cuddled on the streets when the sun was rising.
I had never seen this woman again, except when I ran those 10 miles and she was cheering on the sideline, probably for her mother who was running as well. Maybe I had underrated this woman, although I was very attached to her. I thought by myself: what if it is indeed her who is contacting me? What if she would be at my doorstep tonight? Would I let her in? Oh hell, yes, I would let her in.
Quickly I saved the phone number and opened Whatsapp, hoping that I could see a profile picture that would reveal who this person is. But Whatsapp didn’t show me anything. So I restarted my smartphone. It took a while.
I imagined how I would invite her to my home. Finally, after more than two years of no contact, we would talk everything over. Yes, I would tell her exactly how I felt after we broke up, and why I did it and why it was the best for us. Finally, we would give each other closure. Perhaps we would cry in each other’s arms.
I would tell her how much I missed her and how painful it was to lose her after those two years, especially because we have so much in common. And maybe, just maybe, we could still work things out. Maybe we could try again, you know.
Maybe I would just throw this whole MGTOW stuff out of the window, delete my channel, and we would be together. Or I would explain to her my whole mission and I could easily run this channel while being with her. Why not? MGTOW and relationships do not exclude each other, or do they?
My phone was rebooted so I opened whatsapp. I scrolled down the list of contacts. I showed. I pushed on it and the conversation screen opened. There ts was: the profile picture. My heart was pounding. It showed a few people, but it was too small to see the faces. So I pushed on it and it magnified.
It was my youngest sister. We lost contact a while ago, since the family drama, and I forgot to save her number when I switched phones. I sent her my best wishes, and shortly after I wondered what the f*ck just happened to me. I experienced something I would call a blue-pill-oneits-nostalgia-bomb.
It was a short and intense experience that completely freaked me out. Where did it come from? I mean: what were you thinking, Wolf? You were absolutely miserable in that relationship! You were depressed. Not to mention all the lies she told you. You are so much better off now. Well… I guess it was a mixture of loneliness, unfinished business and male mother need. Or the male need of the female touch, perhaps. I don´t know.
I jumped out of bed. It was around 9AM. There was a serene silence. Very unusual, because normally it is very noisy around that time. The idea that most people were still in bed with a hangover while I was fresh and full of energy was kinda cool. It was a victory. Suddenly I was very happy that I stayed indoors. I put on some warm clothes, made breakfast and turned on my computer.
I saw the comments below my latest video of many men wishing me a happy new year, which put a smile on my face. Then I watched a few minutes of a livestream done by Hammer Hand the MGTOW monk, and saw that he stayed at home as well. And since there were about 70 people in his superchat shortly after he started, I realized that I wasn´t by far the only solitary man. That day, the first of January, turned out to be very pleasant and even productive.
So, what is the moral of this story? Well, beware of the blue-pill-oneitis-nostalgia-bomb. Because when you are in your weakest moment, it may fall on our head. And if you don´t watch out, you´ll be simping again. I have been lucky, because that message turned out to be my sister´s. But exes, you know… they sometimes have the ability to get that nostalgia, those memories, those feels to the surface that you had buried deep inside. You know, the most beautiful memories, while completely ignoring the darker times and the reason why you are not together anymore. Emotions take over. You do not think rationally anymore. There are reasons why you broke up
But even a new woman, no matter how red pilled you are, can make you throw your rational mind overboard. I start to believe that if you are not dating anymore for a long time that it´s the same as not drinking for a long time: if you get that beer again, the impact is tenfold, because you´re not used to that buzz anymore. But to be honest: I don´t know. For me it’s an ever growing mystery how that thing in between my ears works. And the longer I walk around on this planet the more it amazes me.