The Lord Of The MGTOW

Which of the male characters of the famous The Lord of the Rings trilogy is the most MGTOW? I have analyzed several characters to find this out.

Hello lone wolves! Welcome of the Lord of the MGTOW special; a special episode to close the month.

I thought by myself.. let’s talk about something different for a change. Talking about purple haired feminists, entitled millennials, genital warts and crazy cat ladies every week gets a bit tiring sometimes. That’s why I have decided to do a piece about The Lord of The Rings.

I have watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy a gazillion times. I have read the books, partly, until halfway part 2. So, that doesn’t make me a true fan, right?

There are many interesting and heroic men in Tolkien’s story and Peter Jackson’s movies, so I asked myself this question recently: which one of them is the most MGTOW? So I picked which I think are good candidates, analyzed what they do and say, and give them MGTOW points. But beware; if one of them makes a simp move, he will get penalty simp points.

Keep in mind: this content is just speculation and my own interpretation of things for your entertainment. Oh, and if you haven’t seen the movies or read the books, stay tuned because it’s still going to be fun for you. But… there are some spoilers ahead so be warned.

That said, let’s dive in.

Middle-earth is a beautiful fantasy realm created by J.R.R. Tolkien, that is home to Elves, Dwarves, Men, Orcs and many other species, like that giant spider called Shelob that hides in the mountains like a lonely 40 plus strong, independent woman hides in her apartment with her cats. Oh, sorry, I promised not to talk about that.

The story contains many heroes and a quite a few women too. And a few of these heroes I would consider men going their own way. But when it comes to the movIe adaptation, there is still some Hollywood styled simping going on. I partly read the books a long, long time ago so I do not remember if this was the case in the books as well, but as far as I have understood simping was just a minor part of the story.

I will analyze the following characters: Frodo Baggins, Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Samwise Gamgee aaaand Gollum.

Frodo Baggins

Frodo Baggins

To start with Frodo. Frodo doesn’t really have a lover or wife throughout the story. He is entirely focussed on the one ring that is hanging around his neck on a bracelet. His sole mission is throwing the ring into the fires of mount doom that will destroy it, so Middle Earth will be saved from Sauron’s terror.

This is quite a selfless mission and Frodo is not really going his own way. But, after his quest, he does make a selfish decision by not giving a shit about marrying a voluptuous Hobbit girl and settle down, and he left Middle Earth to go and live with the Elves in Valinor. So, I think that is a cool move.

Frodo is an adventurer and a bachelor just like his uncle Bilbo. And they do not let themselves be pinned down by a woman to become submissive blue pill simps. Frodo, you just earned 10 MGTOW points.



Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He is the ranger from the north and one of the Dunedain, which is a human race that is blessed with a very long lifespan.

He is in his eighties when he is chased by noblewoman Eowyn from the blonde horse people called the Rohirrim. But he doesn’t answer her love because he has a fling with an Elvish woman called Arwen; daughter of the powerful Elrond who resides in Rivendell.

The whole character of Aragorn seems to be that of a sigma male that does not care about status, but we also see his fear of claiming the throne of Gondor because he is its true heir. Nonetheless, I will give you 5 MGTOW points because you have proven to live the MGTOW lifestyle.

When Sauron is defeated Aragorn becomes king Gondor and marries Arwen. That is kind of a simp move, because he can easily pump and dump an army of Gondorian brunettes and I’m sure Eowyn would have easily monkey branched from the Steward´s son Faramir if she can be screwed by a king. So I give Aragorn 10 simp points for this. On the other hand, Aragorn has chosen to marry a woman that will never hit the wall. Because, Arwen is an Elf and Elves do not age. Smart move, man! I can see what you did there. And therefore I will remove 5 of your simp points.



Why should I welcome you in this article, Gandalf Stormcrow? I´m not sure if Gandalf is an incel or that wizards just don´t like sex. Gandalf is one of the Maiar, like Saruman and Radagast. The Maiar are appointed to a special task in Middle Earth which is aiding men, elves and dwarves. Gandalf is very true to his tasks and could be considered as wisest of Wizards.

He is not really going his own way because his way – or purpose – is already decided by a higher purpose. But when Saruman, the leader of his order, screws up by becoming allies with Sauron, he decides to ditch him and goes his own way. From that point on he makes his own decisions and thinks for himself, which turns out to be the best way to fulfill his task. Therefore I give Gandalf 5 MGTOW points.

So I guess, a wizard would never even think about romance or marriage, right? According to the third part of the Hobbit trilogy, he seems to have a small fling with Elvish lady Galadriel because of her touchy feely behavior towards him. Hmm. So the old, bearded, wizard does have lover? According to the books: no. Galadriel and Gandalf have a strong bond together but it is strictly platonic. And that is a good thing, because the destiny of Middle Earth is partly in their hands. Good job, Gandalf. You just saved yourself from some simp points.



Legolas looks a little bit like a typical soy boy who eats hummus for breakfast. And yeah, I think there is a big chance that Lembas bread is made of soy, but what do I know.

Also, his name means Greenleaf, so he may be a vegan. But when it comes to drinking, he wins from a bearded testosterone filled dwarf, so that is quite respectable. And he is great with bow and arrow and knows how to handle knives, which makes him a good fighter. So I think he is cool.

Not much is written about his personal life by Tolkien although we know that he stays a bachelor the entire time when he is in Middle-Earth. But in the Hobbit movies it seems like Legolas is part of a love triangle with Tauriel and Kili, but that stuff is completely fabricated nonsense.

Therefore I think there is no reason to give Legolas simp points. Also, the fact that he has a great bromance with dwarf Gimli (while dwarves and elves are rivals) I think is a great pro. Bro´s before hoes, right? So I give Legolas 10 MGTOW points.



Gimli is the son of Gloin who accompanied Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield in their journey to the Lonely Mountain. He is a dwarf, with a beard, and has great fighting skills using an axe.

Like Legolas, Gimli was never married and he remained a bachelor during his whole presence in Middle Earth. In a drunken stupor he mumbles something about hairy dwarf women, but hey: who wouldn’t like to bang a nice, hairy female dwarf? It is said the Dwarf women have beards too. Perhaps Gillette should do some marketing in Middle Earth.

Like I already said, Gimli and Legolas form a great friendship. Because of that, Gimli is the first dwarf that visits the Undying Lands in the West where the Elves reside. So, like Legolas I give Gimli 10 MGTOW points.

But..! Gimli made one big simp move, by worshipping Elven lady Galadriel asking her for one golden hair of her head. Dude, that Elvish female probably gets told everyday how hot she is. Don´t enable that. You get 3 simp points for that.

Samwise Gamgee

Samwise ‘Simp’ Gamgee

Samwise Gamgee is heroic helper of Frodo. He is a very loyal companion during Frodo’s quest. But, he is also a bit of a simp. During the quest he often complains about all kinds of stuff, and it is very clear that he longs back for the plantation over there in the Shire.

At the end of the journey, when Frodo is nearly alive after they managed to get the ring into mount doom, he starts mumbling about that Hobbit woman called Rosie Cotton, with “ribbons in her hair”. Then starts crying because he would marry her if he would survive the quest.

Rosie is probably riding the ‘proudfeet cock carousel’ in Hobbiton barely aware that Sam is gone. But, of course, when he returns he is a hero and gets Rosie´s attention and marries her. Typical blue pilled beta behavior; saving the world for female validation. Man… you get 20 simp points! But hey.. the Wolf cried during the last scenes of the Return of the King, so I guess I’m kind of a simp too.


“My precious…”

Okay, let’s get to the most disturbing character of the series: Gollum, who was also known as Smeagol. He is a true outsider; despised by everyone, treated with contempt everywhere he goes.

Long ago he found the one ring and got so attached to it that it completely consumed him. I would not say Gollum is a MGTOW because he is enslaved by his desire for the ring. And I think that a man going is own way is not enslaved by such desires.

The fact that you are an outsider does not necessarily make you a man going his own way. He is loyal to one thing only: his thirst for his precious, which is that one ring. In way this makes him a simp. A beggar of some sort. In mean: replace the ring by vajajay and we have a beta cuckboy. So, I give Gollum 5 simp points.

So, let’s take a look at the final score.

Frodo Baggins = 10 MGTOW points
Aragorn = 5 MGTOW points and 5 SIMP points
Gandalf = 5 MGTOW points
Legolas = 10 MGTOW points
Gimli = 10 MGTOW points and 3 SIMP points
Samwise Gamgee = 20 SIMP points
Gollum = 5 SIMP pints

So it looks like we have a tie between Frodo and Legolas. So, who do you think is the most MGTOW of the two?

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One thought on “The Lord Of The MGTOW”

  1. I think Legolas is the most MGTOW. He doesn’t seem to have any desire for vain things at all. A man who does what he needs to do. And bases his decisions on logic.

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