Did you know that nice guys actually suck? Well, it turns out that behind the curtain of chivalry there hides a manipulative, controlling guy that hasn’t learned to express what he wants in life.
In a previous video/article I have talked about 5 self-development books for the lone wolf. Someone called Richard Freeman mentioned the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. I have read this book in the past but decided to read it again, because it is a very inspirational book.
I was a typical nice guy too
Before I ever read the book the title No More Mr. Nice Guy made me think that this book is about becoming an enormous ‘alpha male jerk’ who is basically being an asshole towards everyone. Damn, was I wrong.
Also, it evoked a little bit of fear in me: not being a nice guy anymore sounded to me like an uncomfortable, bumpy ride, being confrontational and standing up for myself all the time.
And yes, those are indeed elements that are represented in this book. But they are represented in a way that made a surprisingly lot of sense to me.
I think I have always been a nice guy in many different areas. When I look back at past relationships I see myself being this ‘white knight’ that feels that he should give a lot of stuff to the woman, and by being a good boy he will get his needs met in return. According to Glover, that’s the way nice guys think.
The beta male rage
Basically, they are the typical beta male providers but with an agenda. They believe that if they are exceptionally good that they will receive this goodness in return from their environment.
They are the ones that are always helpful, that will buy her drinks and expensive dinners, that will hold open doors for everything female and that will smother his dates with flowers and other gifts.
“I have given you X and Y!”
But (and here comes the dark side) when his kindness is not reciprocated he gets angry.
“I have given you everything!” he screams. Yeah, that could be true, but did your environment truly ask for you to be so generous?
See, a when a nice guy gives he expects something in return. And that something is often an object of his desire. This might be love and affection, sex or some one-on-one time. That’s not true love. That’s a bribe. True love is giving without expecting something in return.
A nice guy simply isn’t bold enough the express (let alone take) what he wants. That’s his weakness. Instead, he creates something that Glover calls “covert contracts”. These are agreements that the nice guy and the other party enter into, without the other party even knowing it.
Nice guy versus Tyrone
For example: a nice guy showers a woman with gifts. Also, he is extremely nice and polite. In his mind he just set up a covert contract and the object of his desire is poon. The woman isn’t aware of this, and when he doesn’t get it, he is furious. In his mind, showering her with gifts made her indebted to him. And now she refuses to pay off her ‘debt.’
A week later, Tyrone comes around the corner. He is bold, doesn’t put her on a pedestal, and buying her a gift doesn’t even cross his mind. The woman in question is aroused by Tyrone. And Tyrone wouldn’t mind tapping that behind either. And he’s quite open about that fact. The next thing you know: the magic happens.
The nice guy is enraged when he finds out. He just can’t understand why that woman chooses Tyrone over such a nice, fantastic gentleman like himself.
So what’s the difference between the nice guy and Tyrone? The nice guy tried to buy himself into her panties. Tyrone simply made clear what he wanted.
What wrong with nice guys?
So what’s so bad about nice guys? Isn’t it great that these men have such positive characteristics?
According to Glover, at first sight they have positive characteristics indeed. They are givers, problem solvers and try to do things ‘right.’ They are also seeking validation from others. Especially female validation. They avoid conflict, believe that they should hide their mistakes and suppress their feelings.
They are so caught up in pleasing others that they fail to make their own needs a priority. In fact: they believe that putting others before themselves is a good quality.
The dangerous nice guy
The Nice Guy Syndrome gets even worse (and become a serious problem) if we delve deeper into his psychology.
Glover writes that Nice Guys are unfair, sneaky, manipulative and control freaks.
The anger of ongoing disappointments has piled up throughout the years and because he has difficulties setting boundaries it doesn’t get any better. To cope with his pain he is quite prone to addictions.
I think that an extreme example of a dangerous nice guy is Elliot Rodger. He called himself the supreme gentleman, which is in my opinion the supreme embodiment of the nice guy.
He was completely in the dark about why he didn’t have any success socially and sexually, and ended up killing people and himself.
In his videos you see the psychopath that was lurking behind his facade of niceness.
I should add that there are also many arrogant, entitled brats these days that might have served as a catalyst too.
How are nice guys created?
Probably by a dysfunctional family. The nice guy might have been neglected or abused when he was young. Perhaps any form of assertiveness was punished.
Maybe he was raised by a single mother who spousified him, which resulted in him pleasing her all the time and conditioning him to be a woman pleaser.
The absence of boldness
Because nice guys are not bold enough to simply express their desires, to ask for what they want and to put their own needs first, they have created certain coping mechanisms to fulfill their needs in a covert way. The problem is that these tactics don’t work.
Glover thinks that the current bias against men doesn’t really help either. He states:
“Radical feminism implied that men were bad and/or unnecessary. The messages of radical feminism furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as “bad” men.”
And he is spot on.
After years of conditioning the man has become a person who is needy, deprived, manipulative, unhappy and very, very angry.
This book really made me reflect on my past relationships with people and I discovered many nice guy patterns in my own behavior. This literally changed my life. As soon as you get aware of your inner nice guy you can take the necessary steps to change.
Dr. Robert Glover doesn’t aim for changing nice guys into Chads and Tyrones, but into integrated males. These are guys that put themselves first and get what they want in life. Moreover, becoming the best version of yourself and making your needs a priority, is the best way to truly help others.
Nice Guys and MGTOW
MGTOW, for me at least, is all about putting yourself first. And I believe that many MGTOW in fact are former nice guys. That’s why I think the book No More Mr. Nice Guy is very much in tune with Men Going Their Own Way.
This book contains very practical information and steps to cure the Nice Guy Syndrome and get your masculinity back.
One thing: there is a lot of information inside about marriage and relationships, which might be more interesting for the guys that haven’t completely sworn of women. If you’re one of those guys, at least you’ll be better prepared.
Getting over the Nice Guy Syndrome
I hope you have enjoyed this information. If you are interested in purchasing the book, you can do that by the link below. Yes, I get a little kick back, but that helps me to keep this channel going and I only promote stuff that I endorse.